I May Be Late, But That Doesn't Mean I'm Pregnant

A Look at the Best and Worst Movies of 2004

It’s August 2, 2005, so I figured it was about time to release my 2004 Movies of the Year. Each year my recap has progressively come out later and later (last year was in March on the day of the Oscars), so this year I thought I’d get extreme and wait until the 8^th month of 2005. Overall, this thing is going to seem a little bit lackadaisical compared to some of the previous year’s offerings. I’m going to keep it pretty simple…starting with this introduction. I think last year I hit the 1,000 word count just on my intro alone, and really there’s no need for that. I, for one, don’t want to write 1,000 words of garbage, and I’m sure you really don’t want to read it either. Another big downsizing this year will be in the whole “best” categories, where I point out the best performances, directing, screenplays, etc (it’s kind of my own little Oscars). At this point, I just think all that is pretty irrelevant. Finally, I’m really not going to go into any explanations about the worst movies of the year. Those movies sucked, and there’s not much else I can (or want) to say about them. If you need proof, go watch them yourself and then I can say “haha, I told you so”, or you can say “dude, you’re a freakin idiot”. Either one will suffice.

So that’s really all I have to say before I get into the movies of 2004. I’ll even spare you all my little spiel about “favorite vs. best”. So here we go.

(only 265 words!)

(Note: 98% of what is to come was written back in March. I am not responsible for any mispelling, grammatical errors; lameness, unfunny jokes, obscenity, offensive comments, or references to excrement…please leave small children at home).

What I Missed in 2004

Movies I Didn’t See, But Probably Should Have:
America’s Heart and Soul, Around the Bend, Birth, Criminal, Danny Deckchair, The Dreamers, Enduring Love, The Final Cut, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence, A Love Song for Bobby Long, Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, The Mother, Ned Kelly, Nicotina, Osama, Riding Giants, The Saddest Music in the World, Shall We Dance, Sky Blue, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter….and Spring, Stage Beauty, Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War, Tarnation, Two Brothers, Undertow, The United States of Leland, What the Bleep Do We Know?

Movies I Didn’t See, Probably Shouldn’t Have, But Would Have Anyways:
After the Sunset, Alexander, Barbershop 2: Back in Business, The Big Bounce, Broken Lizard’s Club Dread, The Chronicles of Riddick, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, A Dirty Shame, Envy, Eulogy, Garfield, The Last Shot, The Notebook, She Hate Me, A Slipping Down Life, Vanity Fair, When Will I Be Loved, Welcome to Moosport, Wicker Park

Movies I Didn’t See, Don’t Wanna See, But Would Have Anyways Cause I’m a Tool:
Against the Ropes, Alien vs. Predator, Breakin All the Rules, Catwoman (only if to revel in its atrocity), Chasing Liberty, Christmas with the Kranks, Clifford’s Really Big Movie, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Connie and Carla, Ella Enchanted, Teacher’s Pet, Exorcist: The Beginning, Fat Albert, First Daughter, Godsend, Home on the Range, Johnson Family Vacation, Never Die Alone, New York Minute, The Perfect Score, The Prince and Me, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Seed of Chucky, Soul Plane, Suspect Zero, Taxi, Walking Tall, White Chicks, Without a Paddle, You Got Served

Movies I Flat Out Don’t Ever Wanna See:
Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Anacondas, Benji: Off the Leash, Catch That Kid, A Cinderella Story, The Cookout, My Baby’s Daddy, Nascar: The IMAX Experience, Papparazzi, Raise Your Voice, Sleepover, Thunderbirds, Torque, Twisted, Yu-Gi-Oh The Movie

(yeah, ill see pretty much anything)

The Worst Movies of 2004

Dishonorable Mentions:
The Alamo, Along Came Polly, Blade: Trinity, Eurotrip (except for the whole ‘Scotty Doesn’t Know’ thing…I liked that), Little Black Book, National Treasure, Noi, Raising Helen, Secret Window

Bottom 10
10. Young Adam
9. Laws of Attraction
8. Taking Lives
7. The Punisher
6. Open Water
5. Van Helsing
4. The Forgotten
3. Around the World in 80 Days
2. The Butterfly Effect
1. The Whole 10 Yards

Only 19 movies I flat out didn’t like…not too shabby. There are a few others that could probably get dishonorably mentioned, but I’m in a good mood.

Now the good stuff…

The Not Worst Movies of 2004

Movies Worth Mentioning for One Reason or Another
(maybe I laughed, maybe I cried, maybe it just had a really hot chick…who knows?)

50 First Dates, Being Julia, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Bright Young Things, Cellular, De-Lovely, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Dogville, The Girl Next Door, Hero, Meet the Fockers, Mr. 3000, Primer, P.S., Spider-Man 2, Troy, Valentin, Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

Honorable Mentions
(worth getting your ass off the sofa and into a movie theater to watch)

13 Going on 30, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, Baadasssss!, Bon Voyage, The Bourne Supremacy, Carandiru, The Chorus (Les Choristes), Closer, Code 46, Coffee and Cigarettes, Control Room, Dawn of the Dead , The Door in the Floor, Friday Night Lights, Goodbye Lenin!, Hellboy, A Home at the End of the World, I Heart Huckabees, I, Robot, Imaginary Heroes, In Good Company, Intermission, Intimate Strangers, Jersey Girl, Kinsey, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Love Me if you Dare, The Machinist, Man on Fire, The Manchurian Candidate, Mean Creek, Mean Girls, Miracle, Monsieur Ibrahim, Ocean’s 12, The Polar Express (IMAX), Ray, Saved!, Saw, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Spanglish, The Stepford Wives, Super Size Me, The Terminal, Touching the Void, Vera Drake, The Village, We Don’t Live Here Anymore, The Woodsman, The Yes Men, Zatoichi,

Just Missed Out
(films out of the top 20 that deserve that little extra special lovin)

Alfie, Bad Education, Finding Neverland, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Merchant of Venice, The Motorcycle Diaries, The Sea Inside

The Top 10 Movies that aren’t in the Top 10

The Assassination of Richard Nixon – A great little film, that got lost in the mix during Oscar season. I’m not the biggest fan of Sean Penn, but I thought he was fantastic here, and gave quite possibly the best performance of his career. Also of note is a great supporting turn by my boy Don Cheadle.

Born into Brothels – The best documentary I saw in 2004 (won the Best Documentary Oscar, too). It’s about this woman who goes to the Red Light District in Calcutta and teaches photography to the children there. Not only a great story, but also beautifully done. It was almost like every shot in the film could have been a meaningful photograph.

Collateral – Michael Mann takes a step in the right direction after the uneven Ali. Tom Cruise as the bad guy was pretty slick, and Jaime Foxx was solid. It kind of annoys me that Foxx was nominated for ‘best supporting actor’, since he was the clear lead of the film, but that’s Hollywood politics for ya (and really the only way he could have gotten a nomination for this work).

House of Flying Daggers – What a beautiful movie. I much, much prefer it to the also beautiful, but rather boring Hero.

I’m Not Scared – Equally thrilling, engaging, and intense, yet quiet and thoughtful at the same time. Very impressive movie that I don’t think anyone else saw.

Kill Bill: Vol II – Almost as ubercool as volume one, yet a very different film. You put both volumes together, as it was originally intended, and it’s in my top 5 this year. I can’t wait till Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair comes out.

Maria Full of Grace – Great movie with an exceptional first performance by Catalina Sandino Moreno. What a journey that poor girl went through.

The Phantom of the Opera – If you like the musical, you’ll like the movie. It’s as simple as that. “Softly, deftly, music shall caress you/Hear it, feel it, secretly posses you/Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind/In this darkness that you know you cannot fight/The darkness of the music of the niiiiiiight.” I love this shit!

Shaun of the Dead – The best Rom-Zom-Com I’ve ever seen. And with the plethora of Rom-Zom-Com’s in the past few years, that’s really saying something. It’s just so smart, hilarious and fun. Any fans of this movie should try and get their hands on the British show Spaced, which was co-created by and stars Simon Pegg (aka Shaun).

Team America:World Police – The 2^nd funniest movie of the year. If you don’t find it funny, then I suggest you take that stick out of your ass. I was disappointed Maaaaaat Daaaaaaamon didn’t get an Oscar nom, though.

And finally…

The Top 10 Movies of 2004

10. Sideways – When I first saw it, I knew it’d be in my top 20, but didn’t think it’d find its way into the top 10. Sure enough, though, after long contemplation, there was really no way I could leave it out of the top 10. It really is an impressive, hilarious, and intelligent film with great performances all around. I’ve really been dying to watch it again.

9. Napoleon Dynamite – I think any of the 17 people I saw this with in theaters can tell you what I thought of this. It was flat out the funniest movie I’ve seen in a long time. It took a while for the movie to catch on this past summer, but I’m glad so many people took a chance, saw it, and loved it. It’s quite possibly the most quotable movie of the past several years. “I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat?” Genius!

8. Before Sunset – I liked Before Sunrise, but never saw it as anything particularly special. It was interesting, but there were a few too many sections where I lost interest. This one, though, excels in everything that its predecessor did and everything that it could not. It was brilliantly written, acted, and executed, with not a single dull moment.

7. Hotel Rwanda – The #1 rated Sunday Night Movie Club film and for good reason. Extremely powerful and brings to light a situation I really had known absolutely nothing about. Don Cheadle was fantastic.

6. Million Dollar Baby – Much controversy surrounding this film, but I’m not going to get into any of that, as this is neither the place nor the time. Plus, just bringing up the subject of the controversy can ruin it for someone who has yet to see the movie. With that said, I thought this was a much more accomplished and meaningful movie than Eastwood’s good, but highly overrated Mystic River from 2003. Just see it.

5. A Very Long Engagement – From the director of Amelie, starring Audrey Tautou of Amelie, and absolutely awesome like Amelie (though nothing is AS awesome as Amelie).

4. The Incredibles – I think I said last year that Finding Nemo had possibly become my favorite Pixar movie (though it may be a three way stalemate between that and the Toy Story films), but now I think I’m gonna have to go with the Incredibles. Pixar just can’t do any wrong…it’s quite amazing….or shall I say…incredible…HI-O!

3. Garden State – Probably the movie that will have the most longevity of anything else that came out in 2004…at least for me. This is one of those movies that I feel my words probably couldn’t do it justice, so I’m not gonna say anything else except that….SCRUBS RULES!!!!

2. The Aviator – It may not have been the whole Howard Hughes story, but it was a helluva movie. It had me in awe from start to finish, and it’s a shame Scorcese didn’t finally pick up his first best director Oscar. It also featured some incredible performances by Leo and Cate Blanchett, and having Kate Beckinsale, if even for only a couple scenes, didn’t hurt the movie at all. It’s kind of lame to say, but this is what going to the movies is really all about!

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – There isn’t a better screenwriter working in Hollywood today than Charlie Kaufman. Being John Malkovich was one of the craziest, original, and hilarious things I’ve ever seen. I think the screenplay to Adaptation is one of the best and most creative in the history of film (well, of all movies I’ve seen anyways). Eternal Sunshine only continues that streak, and I believe it to be the best and most complete translation of a Kaufman script onto the screen (I still love you Spike Jonze). Not only was Jim Carrey robbed of an Oscar nomination (yet again!), but Michael Gondry should’ve gotten a best director nod, and the film was for more deserving of a best picture nomination than the likes of Ray or Finding Neverland. I was wavering between this and The Aviator for my top film of the year, but after some thought, I think it’s the obvious choice. It really is a masterpiece.

So yeah, there it is….finally. I’ll hopefully be a little timelier with the 2005 review. I’ll shoot for something in June. Until then…keep on truckin’.

PS - If you ever care to see any of my previous Year in Reviews (dating back to 1999), feel free to ask me. Looking back, there are definitely changes I would make to those past reviews (and I’ve considered going back and doing so), but I feel like altering them would be an injustice. At the moment I wrote them, that was how I felt, and they stand true for that point in time. They may seem silly in some places, but hey, I guess I’m a silly kind of guy.

He fears me...

He fears me.
I love him, but he fears me.
I fear him...like one of those lions in Africa that are loose...